american idol and lost finales, sluts and funny ladies

This has become a television blog. Do I really watch this much? I half-watch a lot of stuff while I'm at my computer writing or on the internet, so it seems like a lot of tv.

So, Taylor won. My thoughts:

1. Paris was strongest and most consistently good performer on the show. She probably wouldn't ever make music I'd be into, but she had the best voice on the show and she was cute, nice, not an egomaniac. I wish she'd won, but she'll have a huge career anyway. (I will say that Mandeesa was good, but she didn't always nail her songs. I'm sure she'll have a career too.)

2. Jesus Christ, I hate these shows. I was half expecting them to make it a three hour ordeal. It was two, but I wonder if eventually (I predict Idol 10) they'll go for the three. Why not? I only watched bits and pieces of the show, changing channels when it was boring or painful to watch. Meaning I watched maybe 20-30 minutes of the thing.

3. Speaking of painful: Meatloaf and Katharine's frightening display of histrionics. The two performed a dramatic and touching duet of Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back To Me Now".

3. David Hasselhoff in the audience, tearing up after Taylor is announced the winner: priceless.









4. And Kelly Pickler was the slut at your high school prom.















As for Lost, it was good. It's the only show that understands the art of the season finale. Everyone else fucks it up.

Oh, and something I forgot to say about the Grey's Anatomy finale: what self-respecting grown woman wears a big puffy pink gown? You get that out of your system at high school prom, if you absolutely must play Cinderella before you die. The whole prom thing was pretty far-reaching and stupid on the whole.

I saw a commercial tonight for Cheri Oteri's SNL "Best Of" DVD. I didn't expect her to get one, so I was surprised and delighted. She was my favorite when she was on the show (though I pretty much loved everyone during those years), and I consider many of her performances to be classics. Her memorable impressions included Barbara Walters, Kathy Lee Gifford, Debbie Reynolds, Judge Judy and Ross Pero. Her twitchy, loud characters made think "I wanna do THAT." There was the drugged up Collette Reardon, Morning Latte's Cass Van Rye, Arianna the cheerleader, and the neighborhood kids' favorite foe, Rita DelVecchio.
The DVD was released yesterday. Needless to say, I can't wait to buy it. This guy isn't quite so enthusiastic. Her hyper, loud performances were good, so why fault her for it? The inimitable Ms. Amy Sedaris, a comedy god, has much the same spirit and I don't think anyone would call it a "crutch." Different performers have different styles, and god bless 'em for it.

And I leave you with this. Behold, Tori Spelling's cavernous cleavage. That's hot?

so much blogging action you can hardly stand it! and: i overuse and abuse parenthesis

I can't believe how much I have written since I started my blog.... seven days ago. Ah, memories. Remember the time I blogged for a really long time about TV? Yeah, me too. And the time I wrote about my dorky dad because he's funny and he doesn't realize it? Yeahhhhhhh. And then there was that time I blogged about the MacBook, six hours ago? Yeah, I liked that one too.

I just took a couple Benadryl and expect to feel the effects soon. I want to go to sleep now because I'm hoping to be out of bed by noon tomorrow... you don't wanna know how late I've been sleeping lately. You would be extremely jealous, but not really, because I can only sleep as late as I want because I'm currently unemployed and broker than you can even imagine.

Oh shit, if I went to bed now, noon would mean eight hours of sleep... I took TWO Benadryl. Well, let's hope for 4 o'clock.

Fun story about me + Benadryl...

Once, while in Nebraska visiting my dad's grandparents on their farm (plus another grandma in the town of Orchard, population 200-something) when I was a teenager, I got all kinds of crazy mosquito bites. And when a mosquito (or spider*, or really anything that bites for that matter) bites me, my body goes nuts. I swell up really badly and it's painful and itchy and generally a very irritating situation. So I'd been taking Benadryl to alleviate my discomfort. With regular use over a number of days, this shit builds up in your body, and so, I give to you, My Benadryl Experience:

One morning a few days into the trip, I take a (1) Benny, so I won't be fighting the urge to shoot myself in the head all day. We go to church for a service, and over the course of the.... service, I become extremely drowsy. To the extent that I can barely keep my eyes open and I feel I may cry if I don't get to sleep soon. I keep asking my mother if I can go out to the car to lie down, and every time she tells me "no." I am nearing a nervous breakdown by the time the thing is over.

My mother, father, brother and I get into the car and dad starts driving us to his grandma's house in town; the church is just outside of town and it would be maybe a five minute drive. I am luxuriating in the sensation of a cushioned seat and being allowed to shut my eyes, when a wasp decides to join us.

"Hey, where you guys goin? Grandma's house? Cool, me too. Can I just ride with you? My wings are tired."

Well, I see the wasp and begin to freak out. Asking, begging my father to pull the car over. I have a phobia of stinging things (things that bite don't scare me, but they sure as hell piss me off) and needles. (When being handled carelessly. I'm not scared of getting shots, but now that I think about it, have I ever been around someone just waving around a needle? It's the thought of it that terrifies me.)

So I am going crazy. I am sobbing. I am pulling on the door handle, and I really think that I would have jumped from the moving vehicle had the doors not been unable to unlock while the car is driving. Does my father pull over? No. It takes a few more blocks of his delirious, exhausted daughter screaming and crying in the back seat for him to decide to pull the car over and let her escape from her Taurus prison.

I get out of the car and my mom and dad speed off, leaving my brother and I in the dust. (Literally, dirt roads, you think they pave in a town of 200-something?) He walks with me the rest of the way to grandma's house. My sweet brother, always there for big sister.


Actually, I think he was a little scared of the evil stinging thing too. He's really quite the asshole.

*One time, when I was a kid, a spider bit me on the inside of my thigh, and within a day I had a welt stretching up and down the inside of my leg. Definitely over a foot. I wish we'd measured the thing, cause I'd like to know the total area. It was impressive.

breaking news or something like that

Vitally important research: how to get drunk faster. Cocktails are expensive - make them count!

Crappy advertising: you can't escape it. (Unless, of course, you're not completely queer and you don't go to Stomp shows.)

He prefers it to birth control pills or condoms (the tools of Satan, don't you know) .

On a related note, this Washington Post article creeps me out. The new guidelines assume that every woman who becomes pregnant will be having the child AND that all women plan to or will someday become pregnant. This is a step backward about, oh, fifty years.
There are better ways to increase awareness and to prevent premature births and unhealthy pregnancies. Let's see, um, educate women about contraception and safe sex practices, and make contraception more widely available (including the "morning after pill") so that women who aren't living healthfully and wouldn't want to become pregnant WON'T BECOME PREGNANT. That seems a lot more logical to me than treating every woman as "pre-pregnant". Gimme a break.

oh, apple, the things you do to me

Behold the sizzling stunning beauty that is the Apple MacBook.

There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for one of these. Literally. Nothing. Seriously... anyone out there got a MacBook? Anything I can do for you? Anything??

The model I need in my life is just $1299.00. In most areas better than my current PC, and in a couple not quite as good. I have 2.4GHz right now, $1299 gets you 2.0. It would get me better graphics, better display, better MB and better pretty. Same hard drive, 60GB, and I only use 30-something right now.

Did you look at it? Did you LOOK?!? I don't think you looked long enough. Here, look again:



Oh, Mac, I have such plans for you.....

We would go to the park, and we'd take turns pushing each other on the swings. And we'd go down the slide together. And we would laugh heartily.

We'd spend lazy Saturday afternoons in a coffee shop, sipping lattes and quietly reading the newspaper. You'd read the business and sports pages, because you're a manly man, while I read the arts section and the obituaries. And then you'd read the funnies to me in silly voices, because you can also be such a goof!

And maybe, Mac, if you're a very good boy, I'll make us a fancy dinner sometime. We will eat by candlelight, and after hours of laughing and talking we'll realize we went through two bottles of wine! And then you'll give me a foot massage, and then I'll give you a blow job, and then we'll make love on the sheepskin rug in front the fire. And I won't go into any more details here since I know how closely you like to guard your privacy.

Oh, Mac, don't you want to come live with me? So I can type and play games on you, and look at pictures and watch videos on you, and talk to people through you since you have a FREAKIN CAMERA ON YOUR FACE!

The Apple MacBook?

I think it might be love.

almost as embarassing to watch as your high school talent contest

And so, it has come down to this



Katharine and Taylor. Who, oh who will be the American Idol? We'll find out tomorrow night... can you even wait? Are you SO EXCITED?

Yeah, me neither. I want Taylor to win just because he's weird. And he has gray hair. Katharine would be the obvious choice cause she's a girl, she's young, and she's cute (if you're into that whole nice teeth, hair and boobs thing). It doesn't really matter to me since, either way, I won't soon be buying any Idol's CD. Because, you know, I don't have shitty taste in music.

I've only seen bits and pieces of the show because, well, that's all I can take. Everyone is just SO BAD. For the first few weeks it's fun, because it's the worst of the worst, the people who shouldn't even be allowed sing in the shower, the ones who just *know* that they're meant to be stars. Who, no matter how mean Simon may have been, still believe that they ARE going to be famous. More famous than you can even imagine. Fuck you, Simon Cowell! You wouldn't know talent if it was right under your nose!

And then you get down to 8 contestants and Bucky's still in the running? Not funny.

I've never been into Idol and the whole thing just makes me sad. It's so hugely popular... this is the kind of entertainment America digs? They like this music (if you can call it that)?
Yup! Americans just love shit. They're easy to please. No talent needed, in fact, no talent is preferred. They'll just eat it up.

Speaking of....



Git 'er damn dum dum dum dum dun!

the last and final alias finale ever of all time

And I didn't watch it. I could never get into that show. I remember when it started (I think it was just before The X-Files ended). I was in mourning for X-Files and just couldn't get into another show about a government agency and covert operations, etc... it just seemed like a cheap substitute. That and it just wasn't any good. So good riddance, Sidney!

I just learned that the friend I have who I thought I might, maybe, possibly move to New York with is going to graduate school off in Sweden. Sooo I'm gonna have to move all on my lonesome. Now, New York is a way more expensive place to get started than Chicago, which I for a time considered. I figured if I couldn't go to New York with a friend, I'd go to Chicago since I could afford a place on my own there, and it would be a fun place to live. I've been to Chicago and I love it too. But man, I have got such a boner for New York... such that I cannot ignore.

I have to rub this one out.

This means I will need to live with someone(s). Roommate(s). Stranger(s).
See, I know not a soul in New York. No friends. (Actually, no friends anywhere in the entire world. I hate myself.) So I started looking at "roommates wanted" ads on Craigslist, to get a picture of what I might be in for, and it actually doesn't seem so scary. I like it when people write some of what they and the roommates are all about. "no Republicans, 420 friendly, we're all artists, NO professionals, queer/bi friendly, etc." It's funny and kind of exciting - I only saw one ad that said the roommates were Christians and would prefer the same. I saw zero "no Democrats" ads. Ahh, New York. Everyone's a liberal and it's fantastic.

I expected to see more creepy ads like "cheap room for girl with pretty feet who likes to play", but I saw none. So, with so many ads seemingly posted by cool people I could get along with... with cheap rooms in my preferred areas of Brooklyn.... I wonder how many of those are weird too. Because, in any group, even environmentalist hippie democrat pot-smoking artist food coop members there's a percentage who are fucking crazy/weird (and, likely, especially among the environmentalist hippie democrat pot-smoking artist food coop members). And I know a lot of people call themselves artists... but as to whether or not their "art" would be considered art by anyone other than themselves...

Christ, this IS gonna be scary.

the vacuum and other noisy tasks...

NOT MORNING ACTIVITES.

my father, overheard while watching America's Funniest Home Videos

"Look at that daschund, he's so cute!

He just keeps shooting it off to the side.

Ah ha ha ha, he keeps shooting it off to the side!

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Ah man.

Daschunds are so cute."

look i'm posting links with funny comments OMG i'm so funny

This guy is a total winner and he wants you! Oh who am I kidding... every one of these ads is an easy punchline.

Isn't that a little cheap?

The Da Vinci Code sucks. A lot.

Really? I just thought those kids would be together forever! Who wouldn't want to wake up to this face every day FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?!?

Mischa Barton was killed off of the OC. My money's on a really raunchy nipple-filled sex scene, you know, to prove herself as a serious actress. Hey, before she was even 18 she showed a lot in that Enrique Iglesias video.

an original!

yes! so i'm still working on setting up my blog, but i can proudly say that i am the only blogger with an interest in GIANT BLACK COCKS!

i'm pretty happy with my links list. i didn't want to go too overboard, so i tried to leave out really obvious stuff (google.com! nytimes.com! comedycentral.com! bestpornsites.com!). and i have many more favorite comedians than the few in my links, but so many do not have websites, plus i left out those lacking in any real content.

a very angry person (sort of, kind of, a little...)

i was bitching about something to my mom several months ago, and apparently i'd been bitching about a lot of stuff, because she said "if this is how you're going to be, i'm not sure i ever want to see your shows". i replied "mom, nobody likes an angry comedian. don't worry." see, i'd recently dropped the comedian bomb on my family. told them i wanted to, when i moved, try improv and stand up. that actually it's something i've wanted since i first became obsessed with saturday night live as a kid, and that after discovering GOOD improv (longform- having only seen drew carey's short form games version on television, i thought it a pathetic, sad little thing for sad little people who aren't funny at all but who love to think they are) my feelings were cemented.

i hate... a lot of stuff. hatred/anger/outrage/annoyance is the inspiration for, well, most comedians. but angry comedians are the worst. (now, let me quantify that: lewis black is by all accounts an angry comedian, but he is also funny. it's the asshole comedians i don't like. the ones who aren't funny* . )

since this is a new blog, i'd like to share some of the things i hate (at least as far as comedy and television goes). since at this point, i am not doing anything exciting, i am largely defined by my likes and dislikes. which, i can say confidently, i am very sure of...

carlos mencia. nothing needs to be said here.
blue collar comedy/larry the cable guy/jeff foxworthy. same^
dane cook. the britney spears of comedy: so much flash, so much hype, so untalented, so unoriginal. and he's just a giant douchebag. recently on the apiary, i was reading about the similarities between a recent improv everywhere stunt and SNL's latest digital short**, and i clicked on the related post, which led me to a trail of evidence that mr. cook steals jokes. sounds pretty on par to me. the guy is, as i said not two sentences ago, a giant douchebag. he is not funny. he is irritating. i would want to kill myself if i were that dude.
rachael ray. the food network chick. she makes me want to stab my eyeballs with a fork... and then sautee them in some olive oil, basil and thyme, serve them on a nice bed of greens, with a nice pinot... OH GOD. SHE'S IN MY HEAD. MAKE HER STOP GIGGLING!

i'm getting too mad. gonna stop here for now. oh! but don't worry, we've only just begun. over time, i will make shockingly hateful and angry revelations.

*but, if they are not funny, can you call them comedians? is it not necessary, to call oneself a comedian, to indeed bring the funny? well, i'll not talk semantics. there are tons of comedians out there. they are comedians, even if they're not funny, because they do what comedians do and think of themselves as such. but they're BAD comedians.
**which i also TOTALLY NOTICED. i was watching the episode and as soon as it came on, i turned to my brother and said "oh my god, lemme guess, a three foot ledge?" it was close enough. but the apiary's totally on top of things, and apparently it's all coincidental and great minds think alike and stuff***.
***SPEAKING OF... okay, so horse apples... heather lawless's character is Permanently Preggy Peggy. just a few months ago i had the BEST idea! if i were ever to be part of a show about a bunch of white trash good-fer-nothin slackjawed yokels, i'd like to have a character who is in a perpetual state of pregnancy. you know, still drinkin and smokin, and over time her litter would grow, but she'd ALWAYS be pregnant. goddamnit! i swear, every so often something like this happens to me and i think, jesus, i've got to get up to new york and get started on this comedy thing.
or maybe it just means my ideas aren't all that original... if other people have the same ideas as regularly as this...

television insanity

i watch my fair share of television, but i still say with complete sincerity that television sucks. we all know this. the inspired program is rare. that said, here's what i'm watching and what i'm thinking about all the crazy shit happening on tv today:

the office: duh, of course, not much to say. it's brilliant. the finale was great, but everyone should prepare themselves for the inevitable: it'll be another season or so before pam and jim hook up, if they do at all before the show's finale. OR they'll go the route of them getting together and breaking up anywhere from 3-12x over the course of the show's run.
but...... since it is the office.... and it's not like any sitcom before it (and i hate to even call it a sitcom, since for me the word has such negative connotations- family shows starring stale fat comedians with hot wives... you know the deal), perhaps, just maybe, they'll do something less cliche and, gasp!, let pam and jim be together, happily, for the rest of the show. call me crazy, but it think it's a grand idea. in television, it's like this rule that if a couple is not a couple from the start of the show, they will not have an easy time. if part of the drama of the show is their inital hooking up, the relationship will be up and down. please, the office, do not fall into this formulaic trap.

grey's anatomy: i love what lindsayism lindsay says about grey's. pretty much that's how i feel. it's oh-so-cheesy, yet oh-so-hard to turn it off. and how pathetic am i that i cried during the finale? it's not like we didn't know that denny would die. and i'm not exactly all caught up in the drama of the denny-izzie relationship. but there i am, crying like a stupid stupid girl. girls are so STUPID.

snl: when asked who my favorite castmembers are, i start with the women, who are all very talented. and then there are the guys who have been around forever (hammond, parnell, sanz). and again, very funny. very talented. and wittle cutie Andy Samberg. he's funny. and yeah, the lonely island dudes' material is refreshing. but still... i come away from every episode disappointed. i'm not alone, hardcore comedy fans feel the same way. but what bothers me is that i like pretty much everyone on the show. a lot. fred armisen and seth myers - good. when i saw asssscat in new york last november, seth was there and i was super impressed and instantly became a fan, whereas before i was indifferent. the new castmember, kristen wiig, seems like she'll do well. her original characters thus far are quite good. kenan i like. he's funny. and c'mon, good burger! all that! ah, i'm showing my age.
yeah, i'm young (i can drink legally) - i began watching the show when the cast included will ferrell, tim meadows, tracy morgan, cheri oteri, molly shannon, ana gasteyer, etc (plus a little earlier... before garofolo left). that is my reference point, my "good ol' days". every saturday i was awed and amazed. they were brilliant. rock stars. they blew my mind. now, remember that i was just a kid. would i be blown away today? maybe. when i see reruns i still laugh and am still impressed - i think there was a wee bit o' the comedy magic there.
i quit watching when it became the jimmy fallon show. gag. and this was when my classmates took notice of the show. "oh, jimmy fallon! you're so cute! you're so funny!" giggle giggle. i only watched occasionally after will ferrell and the gang left. i felt like i was suffocating and jimmy fallon was holding the pillow over my face.
and then i found improv. i became a huge amy poehler fan after seeing the asssscat special on bravo and got interested in snl again. weekend update is the only consistently good part of the show, because of tina and amy. so for the last season i've seen most of the episodes.
wow i went off track. i was saying that i REALLY LIKE all of the cast. (well, except finesse, who i kinda feel sorry for, but not really, because if he were funny he could get on the show as more than the security guard in the corner with one line. the little bits he's gotten on weekend update are pathetic. just put him out of his misery and get rid of him already.) so, yeah, my general conclusion about the show is that it could be a whole lot better, given the amount of talent they have right now. i'm sure censorship is a bitch, but whoever's deciding what makes the cut may have something to do with it. or maybe i'm overly optimistic and the only stuff submitted is complete shit.

yo momma: oh, snap! you did not just say that! man, those crazy kids! they throwin it down!
i hereby nominate wilmer valderamma for the Biggest Fucking Asshole award. i searched worldwide, high and low, and he is the official winner. this has got to be the biggest stinking pile my tv has ever shit out on my living room floor and i want him to take it back. i hate these people who think they're so brilliant. he actually thinks this was a good idea and that he's got this great show. megalomania doesn't look good on anyone, bud.

so notorious: my brother is totally into this show right now. okay, i can appreciate that tori spelling doesn't take herself seriously, that she can make fun of herself. but what do you want, a fucking medal? ohhh, a show? here ya go, princess! i don't take myself seriously and make fun of myself 24/7. where's my VH1 show? it would be damn funnier, and all without the help of fake boobs/blonde/tan. i fail to see the brilliance.

wonder showzen: it's agreed, wonder showzen is the most likely of all current programming to make your brain explode. nothing much to say about it. what i'm wanting to know is the secret of horse apples, the brilliant show-within-a-show we've seen now twice on showzen. the first time it was a short segment during the show. it can be seen here, as well as a beat kids bit of them covering the test marketing of horse apples, which was not aired.
and THEN, on may 12, during what was supposed to be the show "Mathematics", a glorious thing happened: a full thirty minute installment of horse apples. i was so excited i shit myself. (no, seriously. it's actually a very real problem. it is a daily struggle.) multiple reasons to get excited: david cross, zach galifianakis, heather lawless, todd barry, and a host of other funny people i didn't recognize (this place has more information). i was stoked to see heather lawless that first time horse apples appeared. she became a favorite after variety shac's shorts and her recent appearance on premium blend. (i just went to get this link for this post and on comedy central's front page is a new video with heather - the tiny hands series on motherload.) i'm not in new york, so all i've seen of heather is what's online and on tv, which isn't much (goddamn all these comedians without websites).
back to horse apples... test marketing... a whole half hour show... could horse apples be getting its own time slot? i'm not getting my hopes up- for one thing, david cross and zach galifianakis are, to me, pretty huge stars; it seems too good to be true that they would BOTH sign on to a regular show. and, also, stuff this good just doesn't make it onto tv. remember? television sucks?

and these i have nothing to say about, but are favorites, the few shows i watch religiously: the andy milonakis show and the obvious comedy central programming (daily show, colbert report, south park, reno 911!, stand up).

discontinued favorites: the x-files, strangers with candy, the upright citizens brigade, stella, the state (honestly, i was a kid when this was on / didn't know it existed. but i've seen a lot of the episodes online), mr. show (same deal with the state, seen a lot in reruns and on dvd)

and now, the exactly _zero_ people reading this know everything about me that they need.

another blog

i've tried blogging in the past. in fact, in my most recent attempt, i posted all about how i would quickly forget about the blog and it would die. and it did. but i never learn, so i am trying again. i think the key is to not blog on and on about myself. because i run out of things to write pretty quick. cause i have a boring life.

okay, on with it...