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i'll miss this

Adowable.













(Less adorable is my disgusting-looking pillowcase, but I promise it's not. Almost as adorable is the quilt, which matched my bedroom almost twenty years ago.)

saturday! saturday! saturday! saturday saturday!

I've sold off and donated all of my possessions except for what fits into 169 linear inches of suitcase, Northwest Airlines' baggage limit. But my suitcases aren't that big, so it's less than that, but... I'm leaving my books for now, and one small box of things to be shipped later, oh and my electric blanket... so I don't know exactly how many linear inches that is. Maybe 185? 200? I'm bad at this! LOLZERS!

ANYWAY. Where was I.... oh yeah I'm movin'. Soon. Really soon. Frighteningly soon. But I'm not telling what day. Good luck figuring that one out! HAHAHAHA!

the Oh in Overstock.com

Also, wouldn't a suitcase made of marble be slightly impractical?

rich!

Yes, that is a fifty dollar US savings bond. Jealous?



UPDATE:

Quell your excitement, it's only worth $36.4o nine years in. BUT it will reach full maturity when I am 43! So in 2027 I will be able to buy a pack of gum! Thanks, grandpa!

Find out how worthless your well-intentioned relatives' birthday gifts were with this handy calculator.

advice from my grandmother

I'm moving to New York a week from this Saturday and had to say my goodbyes to the grandparents tonight. (They're leaving on vacation tomorrow, and won't return until later on the day I leave.) After we hugged and she told me for the fiftieth time to keep in touch and be sure to give her my address (oh don't worry, grandparents, you will get my address; you send checks!) grandma said:


"... and honey, try to find a job where you won't have to be out late at night? You'll be all alone, and you're so small."


Because, you know, the only reason I'll have to be out late at night is if my job requires it. I'm moving to New York because it's more exciting but, of course, I'll be in for the night before dark. Which is like 4:00 in the winter.

And I'm not sure what my being "small" has to do with anything. Also not quite sure where she got the idea that I am small. Small relative to what or whom? If I were a "big girl" would I somehow be safer? If I were a big strong muscley girl, maybe. I'd be able to fight off an attacker more easily. And if I were a big fat chick, maybe, but there are fetishists out there who get off on that sort of thing. There's no telling what she means.

I could have responded, said that really, at any time of night, there will be a number of people on the street. And not baddies either, just people going about their business like myself. And that I will be out late at night anyway - it's called "having a life" and it's why I'm moving.

But I don't try to argue with her when she says weird things like this. She doesn't respond well to reason. She's a Christian and a Republican and homophobic and sometimes just a liiiittle bit racist.


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh old people.

new machinery means better blogging... kind of... i'm not gonna guarantee anything

It's no lusty Macbook, but it's new! And much easier to take to the coffeeshop than my desktop! And... cheap!



I discovered that I do not have an Apple-sized wallet. More like a Compaqt wallet. Big enough for, like, some dehydrated apple chips but not much else, and most certainly not a whole piece of fruit. That would be crazy!*








*This blog is in no way promoting nor endorsing the use of wallets, billfolds or money clips for the storage or transport of produce. We strongly discourage this behavior.

a totally decent proposal

This last week at work I had the privilege of listening to radio all day every day. (I may have mentioned this already. It has had a substantial impact on my life.) And I have made a startling revelation. Dane Cook, your true calling... you should be a radio personality.

Okay, so hear me out: first, you are totally rock 'n roll. Right? You're hardcore! I'm sure you're totally into some awesome music, too, as awesome as you are. Like Nickelback, Creed, Korn, Primus, Puddle Of Mudd, Seether and other equally rocking bands. So you know music. You know rock. You live the lifestyle.

You would be perfect hosting one of those morning drive shows. It would be something like "TJ & Dane In The Morning". I know you would object to TJ's name coming first, but "Dane & TJ" just doesn't have the same ring to it. And you will very quickly distinguish yourself as the star of the show, anyway. You'll be the hot funny one. Don't worry about the name thing. All of your listeners will think of it as The Dane Show. I'm sure you will see to it.

Seriously, listen to these guys on the radio talk. They all have that SUPER enthusiastic kinda loud, confident, authoritative, gravelly smoker voice (do you smoke? if so, you don't sound enough like it. smoke more), with just a touch of surfer guy/stoner/cooool dude. You would be perfect. Just shoot the shit, talk to some callers, be your hilarious Zany Dane-y self! LOL! Actually that would make a great radio nickname for you. You'll have to get one of those.

But the best part? You could give the comedy a rest! I know you want to be a rock star, but I believe that you would do better playing the rock CDs and, in between songs and commercials for furniture liquidators, you can get in a super funny joke or two. And I think that, deep down inside, you know this too.

Think about it.

I hear that Cincinnati's 102.7 WEBN - SHUT UP AND ROCK! has an opening.

every day that i go to work, i die a little more inside

About a week ago a co-worker had the insanely brilliant idea of bringing a stereo to work and tuning it to the local country station ALL DAY LONG! Fortunately radio stations play the same 30 or so songs all day, and I have gotten caught up on my country music listening. I'll tell you a little secret: I haven't ever listened to country music! Shh I know I know. But now I have all of the current hits memorized and own roughly 50 country CDs after my Wal-Mart music spree last night.

I also have a favorite song, which (thank you, jesus!) plays at least a dozen times over the course of my eight hour day. It is Rascal Flatts' cover of "Life is a Highway" from Disney's major motion picture event Cars.

First, the name of the band: AWESOME! There's no other way to put it. It just rolls off the tongue. It feels good to say. They're Rascals! And then the Flatts part makes it sound like the name of a place. A magical place.... of country western beauty, dancing, lyrics and song! Oh how I wish to go there! I want to live in this place called Rascal Flatts! And this band takes you there. Through their music. Their beautiful, beautiful music.

Second, the song. "Life is a Highway" is a classic by any standard, originally written and recorded by Tom Cochrane, that songbird from the north. The song was from his 1991 masterpiece Mad Mad World and was his greatest hit. (And for dang good reason, too, LOL!) I believe that "Life is a Highway" is a beautifully written metaphor for life. Life is a journey, and Tom Cochrane is gonna take that journey! No matter the ups and downs, or bumps in the road (haha!), he's a survivor! I think that's what he's trying to say. I could be wrong. Ah, poets!

Third, and last, is the new spin those Rascals put on the classic tune. First, they made it country, which suits the song just fine. They also made that little riff that plays throughout the song more prominent. (Thank you!) But my favorite part is their adorable country sangin'! For example, in "all night long" the "long" is really a "loa-ung". How inventive! So, fresh, so original! I need more! And they give us more! Throughout the song we are given new alternatives for word pronunciations. "Light" becomes "laight", "in" is "ee-in", and "eye" is "ahh". Pure genius! Some would say that the English language is cut-and-dry, but these guys prove that there's room for a little flair in the way we use words.

Examine these lyrics. See if they don't move you as much as they did me! I dare you not to cry! You won't make it!

"Life is a Highway"
originally written and recorded by Tom Cochrane
recently (excellently!) covered by new favorite band chez Lauren, Rascal Flatts

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend and sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights

Knock me down get back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
Roads are rough, this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

There was a distance between you and I
A misunderstanding once
But now we look it in the eye

There ain't no load that I can't hold
Roads are rough, this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long 

Boy, did I use the word beautiful a lot in this post! I guess I just can't help myself! It is the most perfect adjective to describe the music we've discussed here today.