a very angry person (sort of, kind of, a little...)

i was bitching about something to my mom several months ago, and apparently i'd been bitching about a lot of stuff, because she said "if this is how you're going to be, i'm not sure i ever want to see your shows". i replied "mom, nobody likes an angry comedian. don't worry." see, i'd recently dropped the comedian bomb on my family. told them i wanted to, when i moved, try improv and stand up. that actually it's something i've wanted since i first became obsessed with saturday night live as a kid, and that after discovering GOOD improv (longform- having only seen drew carey's short form games version on television, i thought it a pathetic, sad little thing for sad little people who aren't funny at all but who love to think they are) my feelings were cemented.

i hate... a lot of stuff. hatred/anger/outrage/annoyance is the inspiration for, well, most comedians. but angry comedians are the worst. (now, let me quantify that: lewis black is by all accounts an angry comedian, but he is also funny. it's the asshole comedians i don't like. the ones who aren't funny* . )

since this is a new blog, i'd like to share some of the things i hate (at least as far as comedy and television goes). since at this point, i am not doing anything exciting, i am largely defined by my likes and dislikes. which, i can say confidently, i am very sure of...

carlos mencia. nothing needs to be said here.
blue collar comedy/larry the cable guy/jeff foxworthy. same^
dane cook. the britney spears of comedy: so much flash, so much hype, so untalented, so unoriginal. and he's just a giant douchebag. recently on the apiary, i was reading about the similarities between a recent improv everywhere stunt and SNL's latest digital short**, and i clicked on the related post, which led me to a trail of evidence that mr. cook steals jokes. sounds pretty on par to me. the guy is, as i said not two sentences ago, a giant douchebag. he is not funny. he is irritating. i would want to kill myself if i were that dude.
rachael ray. the food network chick. she makes me want to stab my eyeballs with a fork... and then sautee them in some olive oil, basil and thyme, serve them on a nice bed of greens, with a nice pinot... OH GOD. SHE'S IN MY HEAD. MAKE HER STOP GIGGLING!

i'm getting too mad. gonna stop here for now. oh! but don't worry, we've only just begun. over time, i will make shockingly hateful and angry revelations.

*but, if they are not funny, can you call them comedians? is it not necessary, to call oneself a comedian, to indeed bring the funny? well, i'll not talk semantics. there are tons of comedians out there. they are comedians, even if they're not funny, because they do what comedians do and think of themselves as such. but they're BAD comedians.
**which i also TOTALLY NOTICED. i was watching the episode and as soon as it came on, i turned to my brother and said "oh my god, lemme guess, a three foot ledge?" it was close enough. but the apiary's totally on top of things, and apparently it's all coincidental and great minds think alike and stuff***.
***SPEAKING OF... okay, so horse apples... heather lawless's character is Permanently Preggy Peggy. just a few months ago i had the BEST idea! if i were ever to be part of a show about a bunch of white trash good-fer-nothin slackjawed yokels, i'd like to have a character who is in a perpetual state of pregnancy. you know, still drinkin and smokin, and over time her litter would grow, but she'd ALWAYS be pregnant. goddamnit! i swear, every so often something like this happens to me and i think, jesus, i've got to get up to new york and get started on this comedy thing.
or maybe it just means my ideas aren't all that original... if other people have the same ideas as regularly as this...