Fort Greene Leaves 11/23/07

A funny thing happened last night....

Also, oh, just a little embarrassing.

I was shopping at Whole Foods last night for, you know, foods. I was crouched down to get some baking powder from a bottom shelf when it happened. I farted. Loudly. Very very loudly. In public. At Whole Foods, where the beautiful people buy their organic designer groceries.

I once saw Janeane Garofalo there with a 21-year-old male model (or so I'm guessing). I also once spotted the supermodel Lily Donaldson shopping for frozen peas or something. I didn't stare cuz it's rude, but I imagine that she put them back, her hands trembling, since (a) frozen shit is heavy and her tiny wrists are fragile and (b) OMGFOODYUMMYFEELSSOGOODJUSTTOHOLDNOOOOCAN'TEATFATBAD.

So yeah. I farted real loud at Whole Foods Union Square. It was an obvious fart. There were fortunately only two other people shopping on the same aisle - it was late, around 10. But still VERY clearly a fart, not one of those, well I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, cause it coulda been a shoe or something scraping/squeaking.

And I never even saw it coming. When it happened I wanted to both pull my coat over my head (YOU CAN'T SEE ME, I'S HIDIN') and laugh and laugh and laugh. I did neither, just stayed there for a minute contemplating my baking powder options. There were two, and damn was that a tough decision.


Also? Can I just share how much I HATE the new wheelie shopping baskets? I refuse to use them, and they do still have a few stacks of the old style a little past the new ones by the entrance. I hate them for the same reason I hate suitcases/briefcases/backpacks on wheels - they're just annoying. Whole Foods is already crowded enough without lazy-ass New Yorkers dragging their groceries two feet behind them. Also, I have to carry my stuff to gauge when I have too much and need to put something back, since I have to be able to carry it home. This is already difficult for me, because I like to buy in bulk to save money. I may break my back carrying home that five pound bag of organic whole wheat flour, and I may not use it all for a year, but GODDAMNIT I SAVED FIFTY CENTS PER POUND!!!


So yeah, The Fart Heard 'Round the Baking Aisle has now earned the illustrious title of Lauren's Most Embarrassing Moment.

Or, it's tied with another recent stupid thing. Got super drunk and high at a party and slept with someone. Because I have been so sex-starved for so long (so so so long, but that's a whole other blog post, one that will NEVER BE WRITTEN), and he did it with me once, I thought perhaps he would be so kind as to do it with me again. I was the one who left quietly early in the morning, so I thought I should be the one to make contact, because geez, I would have taken that as a sign that they woke up and went "oh shit, better get out of here fast, god i hope they don't wake up, what a mistake!" Small problem: didn't have a phone number. So I sent a MYSPACE MESSAGE. A fucking MYSPACE MESSAGE, to say hi and we should hang out maybe? Because dignity? I'm always happy to throw it out the window. Nothing has come of it, except that I made a fool of myself. Again.

No wait, that one's definitely more embarrassing.


I couldn't write a post all about shame and dignity without sharing one last story. At a slumber party when I was 10, I asked that standard slumber party question, "what's your most embarrassing moment?" Mine was something like, OMG once I jumped into the pool and my top came down! Aughh! Well the host girl's mom overheard and she was all you're too young to have a most embarrassing moment! And I was all yeah, well I'm going to go hide somewhere! That embarrassed me so so badly. I had a very finely tuned sense of shame from a young age. (Yay me!) Children have real feelings too, even feelings like embarrassment. Adults shouldn't discount these feelings, even if they are silly.

Shit. I just remembered, that this old childhood friend whose house I was at? She died. Sometime in the last year.


Now I'm going to go cry because I'm only 23 and my friends are dying and I do stupid things like fart and humiliate myself with men. This was TOTALLY worth trying blogging again!